Best-Friend

I think about time, and all the forms it takes: days, weeks, months, and years. As I look back on my years there’s one thing constant, one thing I am growing more appreciative of, my family. Yesterday is my best friends, and more importantly my sister’s, birthday and when I think of our history, our love, I feel empowered with a better sense of my own identity. So much of myself I find in her image, her path, her experiences. My choice in Florida State University, my use of writing as an outlet of expression, and even the positivity that I speak into my life are all things I’ve coined from her in some capacity. My sister never just took me as a younger brother, instead she saw me as her competent, as her equal, which helped mold much of who I am today.

In Peru, while I connect with other volunteers, share experiences, and make some life-long friends, I am increasingly appreciative of the special bond I share with my sister. While I think more about this place, and reflect on how life is so much bigger than what I’m doing at any given moment, I realize that my sense of journey is forged partially through my family dynamics. While in Peru, where everyday seems like a new Journey I can still employ my sisters wisdom. Like that voice in your head that sounds like you I have an assistant, a secondary voice that guides me reminding me of who I am, and what I really want. 

Two very pertinent lessons learned from my role model, my sister, stick out to me. First lesson is remaining calm when dealing with the unforeseen, you never know the challenges you may face, this past week for me it wasn’t a battle with being sick but a spider bite. Having a slight allergy to insect bites made me kind of wonder if I’d die, but that’s where the second lesson helps, never give up faith regardless of your struggle. My sister never lets any obstacle shut her down or strip her of the person she has spent so much time becoming, although we are all hindered in some capacity by the challenges we face. Rene has taught me to be resilient, humble, and most notably conscious. When I look at her celebrating 26 years of life, and think of myself only at 20 I am overwhelmed with happiness at the prospects of my growth, my journey, and the growth that is sure to come in our sibling bond.

Much appreciation for my best friend, Nay

Love

Cheeks

To my Sweetest Sweet

Every time I find myself resting in a new place, I think of how perfectly I rest with you by my side. Sleeping on a bus, although first-class, couldn’t compare to the rest you’ve allowed me to grow accustom to. One thing that was constant is I awoke with the same to goals as any other day: to explore Peru and to hear your voice. This past weekend on my trip to Puno, the excursion I’ve anticipated most, instead of willing myself to focus on exploration, I was reminded of you more. My mom told me the distance would bring us closer together, but my how fond I am of you is constantly growing, regardless of distance. Instead I was faced with this other entity growing inside me. Like a tumor that’s benign this feeling causes no harm but has manifested inside me, as a growth beyond my control, one thing holds true its apart of me, its function only pertinent to you.

Today as I drifted across Lake Titicaca I thought of us more. I connected with this lake, somehow identifying with its vastness, its beauty. It's dry season here, and much like me departing from you this lake is missing the rain that keeps it filled of the most essential substance for a lake, water. Without the wet season and the rain that follows it, the geographic greatness that is this lake would dissipate until all the life depending on it would surely be adversely affected too. Seeing the lake functioning is this way I look to you as my rain, you pour into me a substance much like what I consist of, giving me a life-like energy that keeps me strong, and able to continue to devote myself to the ones I love and the things I love doing.

I thought the connections I made on the boat ride to the island would be enough, that I would be challenged or intrigued in a different way once arriving on this island, but the island, the most beautiful part of the island only reminded me of what I found most beautiful, you. Oddly, this island reminded me of how remote I am, not in that moment, but just from the world, my world, you.

After exploring, shopping, and eating some of the freshest Trout ever we began our decent from 540 steps. Looking down at these steps oddly reminded me of Rene, but only you and her would know why. After reaching about the 350^th step, the point where I could finally see the boat, my escape vessel, my legs began quivering in the most irrevocable way. As if my body had recalled leaving something similarly as beautiful, it was rejecting this experience as it had when I had to say goodbye to you. I began to laugh at myself, this shaking surely a result of the physical activity was so reminiscent of the emotional state you evoke out of me, filled with anxiety and nerves, our unique type of butterflies.

On the boat ride back I tried to decipher and understand why I was feeling this way, why all roads led back to you. It didn’t take me long to come to the conclusion that our bond is so strong that it permeates all my senses, my vision the most detectable. Every sight is tainted with the love I have for you, so now all things worth seeing, all things holding beauty, I associate with you.  This connection with you and the many sights Peru holds only intensify my experience. Baby, thanks for amplifying my experience in Peru without even knowing it you bring me joy 3000 miles away.

With growing love and appreciation

Your's

Frank Ocean - Swim Good

This is a excursion I hope I can dive right into, freed from my professional aims in Peru, I wanna kick of the formal clothing symbolic of my professional demeanor and just...Swim Good.

Prepping 4 Puno

As I look at my fully packed duffle bag and the long list of last minute things to do there’s this knot in my stomach that’s far from being alleviated.  Probably a physical manifestation of my excitement, nerves, and fear of the unknown, this knot has been my only connection to the place I have been most excited about visiting, Puno. Although only an 8 hour drive away, it beauty has legends here in Urubamba, my family counts down the days (hopefully it’s their excitement for me to go, and not to get rid of me). Its been a long time since I’ve had anxiety, living in such a tranquil city but Puno, Lake Titicaca, and the prospects of more shopping have me filled with an exciting-like feeling that lends itself to anxiety more than excitement.

            With only hours left till departure I am finding myself somehow reflecting or overthinking on everything I’ve done, again, so far I’ve concluded I haven’t done enough, not yet. Dinner with my family now becomes this sacred moment, being 3000 miles away from my real family means extreme appreciation for these family-like moments, their oddly similar to my own family moments. Taking in the affection displayed, the endearment for the cultural-favorite dishes, and the conversation force me to the realization that while my experience with my new family is quite pleasant it will never be the same as the dynamic of my own family. I have never felt so immersed in such a familiar and casual setting, this newfound appreciation for my family indicated that Peru only holds more opportunities to broaden my perspective and augment appreciation for my lifestyle.

I am excited. That knot in my stomach seems to have imploded and its contents some sort of naturally occurring caffeine.  No, I’m not just awake I’m jittery, eager with this anxiety-excitement, camera in messenger I can only dream of the beauty this place holds, soon I can make my dream an actuality, a sight I will have sought. I said see you later to my best friend in Peru today, my host mom, that was probably the hardest part. I am excited to explore this new place and hope that all goes well with my luggage and travel. I feel confident I can protect my stuff but I’m also confident that if someone tries to get over on me…I’ll snap.  While I realize my preparation list is not 100% complete the essentials are, and for that I am grateful. Puno, I will see you soon.

Empecé en Perú

I’ve spent the past three weeks in South America trying to reflect on my life, and why I’m deserving of such an incredible opportunity. I look around me and find myself surrounded by students from prestigiously named universities, usually Ivy League, and assess all that I know of them to maybe find similarities, commonalities, something that explains my purpose here. I haven't figured it out yet, they seem more physically fit, more emotionally stable, less likely to be wounded by this foreign air, what keeps me going is that God brought us both here. I should be doing so much while experiencing this place, exploring the city’s perimeters, hiking its mountains, and trying to really employ all my energy to making this non-profit internship experience all that it can be, but I haven’t, not in those conventional ways…


Conversing with the people who have had extended stays I don’t see a difference from any other well traveled American, I don’t see a growth, I don’t see what they really have shaped this experience to be, but that’s the beauty. Maybe my aspirations for something special were a bit unrealistic; regardless I can’t find what I’m looking for in another person’s experiences, so I wont follow their path. Sure, their language skills have grown, their popularity among a foreign community, and maybe even their resume but none of that really matters for this experience, for my experience. I came to Peru to be awakened by another culture, another place, and to be taken in another direction.

When I created this blog, I found my shiny new compass, pointing me in directions neither cardinal, positive, or negative. Instead this compass has been forged by something ethereal, something divine, but most importantly something authentic to my character. As for its guiding properties, they have manifested in so much more than an arrow pointing in one direction. This compass has been forged with heart and has taken the role of guiding me: not by my goals, or my loved ones aspirations for me, but by my hearts desire, whatever that is. It’s almost intuitive, lets hope that the experiences form here on out take on the qualities of my compass, ethereal and all.

I’ve been really emotional, but I said goodbye to bad days, so today my tears are part of a training, one where the increase in strength can't be visually quantified. I always dream of being an icon, a vision of strength for those not strong enough yet, so with these tears ill cry for those who are hoping to be strong. I have the most supportive environment regardless of its foreign nature, the love here is thick. God always allows me to attract love into my life, I'm just learning to access it from unconventional sources. I saw a fellow volunteer crying yesterday, never did I think seeing her face like mine would be so comforting, so humanizing. The other schools make it seem so easy, as if it were all part of the process and easy to overcome, I guess that’s only because they have reminders of home in each other.

I call my mom, I call Brent, but the loneliness isn't quelled the feelings of being afar are only exacerbated by these calls. The support FSU gives me helps, but these feelings are too personal to try to use my academic resources as an outlet. People say its not good to hold things in, I disagree, how can people challenge themselves to deal with more, handle more if they let everything they have go. I'm trying to let this experience make me humbled, appreciative, because I refuse to be bitter. I constantly remind myself that steel is forged through fire and like it I will be stronger after this burning subsides.

Love, Peace, and Optimism

Matthew