Friends of forever & goals for today

As I see a majority of the people I invested time in depart I realize that the shared elements of this trip: the water cooler we clung to (as if the only clean source of water), the hikes around the local mountains, and the locations where a large portion of our service occurred such as 711 (the local elementary school), the office, and parts of the more rural mountainous regions, all trigger the longing I feel for my fellow volunteers, my friends. These locations, aside from holding amazing memories, almost reflect my favorite part of the people who I worked with; they’re very much dynamic. Full of life and constantly changing these places remind me of my newfound relationships growing and changing and as a result I try to ascertain these amazing individuals intervention in this experience, at this stage of my life. Every encounter is an opportunity to learn so what I will attempt to acquire from these individuals is a greater understanding of myself.

First I want to thank them for great memories, tolerance for my abrasive sometimes to blunt methods of communication, but most importantly their presence in my life. Knowing I can be appreciated, wanted, and even in some rare cases loved by the most perfect of strangers has profoundly affected my hope and confidence in myself. As if their presence has refilled my tazá with the maté that warms my soul, these people, who clearly all have touches of something divine within them, have enhanced my faith. Now I explore Peru to reminisce on the moments I miss most, the ones in local café’s divulging our deepest struggles, the brief moments on the roof where the only conversation we have is about getting to another place, and the brief glimpses of Mars in the late nights. I rationalize my remaining time as potential to invest in my host family and few remaining friends. I think of my project and service I originally came here with the intentions of doing and try to redirect my aims on making them into a representation of the worthwhile time I’ve had. 

With a long to-do list and new perspective 

Mateo

New Love, Familiar Medium

Time, something I’m always trying to quantify in different ways, seems to stay on my mind with being so far away from everything I know and love. I guess I didn’t realize how much the expectation of leaving in a couple days versus leaving in two weeks affected me, but with each day is an opportunity to work towards something and more importantly appreciate something new. Instead of quantifying this experience in days, projects, or tasks to be completed I try to retrain myself to not measure in numbers but in experiences, emotions, or even changes in perception. Most notably the thing I’m most focused on at the moment is appreciating the incredible people I have been fortunate enough to share this experience with.

As I see a majority of the people I’ve grown to love and care about prepare for there final days here I think about my final days, my final reflection, and what I want it to mean to me. Even though this is the later half of my stay in Peru I feel another part of me waking up to this experience, another part of me growing rapidly, eager to let loose, explore and push my limits both physically and mentally. Some people may think it’s a little late, a little too far into a new experience to suddenly have this change or revelation but it wasn’t sudden, much like me. it was growing, manifesting in ways to bring me to this point of change, this point where I want to stretch the threads of this blanket of an experience.

As much as I sense the positivity in this atmosphere I question if the people I aim to serve are really looking at my efforts, my talents with reserved perceptions. Sometimes I’m discouraged at the thought of what others, specifically my professional superiors, could really be thinking, I guess I am my own worst enemy. Those brief experiences when I’m my own worst enemy occur in the most solitary of moments alone when my mind is a little too free to wonder, to speculate. Luckily for me the moment the sun hits my skin its warmth washes me in new perspective, in a new day, with new opportunities to prove myself good enough or to prove that these doubts are only self-critical thoughts.

I cooked dinner for my family this week, while it was a simple fried chicken breast accompanied by one of my baked pasta creations it took me back to the days of working at the restaurant. Having to cut the chicken breast away from the bone and then filet them for a quick fry it was reminiscently therapeutic. My host mom was surprised at my bartering skills in the market; I thought it was actually funny because I was expecting her to be more helpful. Although I know I come from a slightly wealthier family I expected her to be a bit frugal, or at least haggle a little. Instead, while I was cheese shopping she offered to help pay for some of the ingredients, but as someone with a great sense of pride in presenting a meal I controlled every aspect of, I wouldn’t allow her to spend a Centimo (the local coin).

After impressing her with some bartering skills I hope I continued to surprise her with my culinary prowess. She admitted to expecting my food to be bland, and very simple. Apparently the last volunteer whom prepared dinner left a less than hopeful taste in her mouth of how American food tastes. Nevertheless, I’m not sure if it was my host dad telling me to put up an extra plate for his breakfast tomorrow, or my host mom having three plates of food, but somehow I felt really good about the meal I prepared and was sure that everyone enjoyed it in some capacity. I look foreword to bonding with my family more and having more exchanges on the local cuisine with my host mother, as I’m starting to realize the saying the way to anyone’s heart is through their stomach, applies to more than Americans.

With much anxiety for a new experience in the same place

Mateo

Confused ---'--"-->Clarity?

Machu Picchu – THE Experience

Finally, the most historical part of this experience, and surely the most renown was well worth the wait and the climb. This place could not be compared to any person, or any other experience. Through the massive amounts of stonewalls, rooms, and even houses I realized how this extremely old civilization was extremely advanced. Even though, as far as I know, I hold no Peruvian ancestry I connected with how advanced this group of humanity was. In seeing the strength, the thought, and the sheer beauty, through this architecture of this place I felt connected to something that was a part of me but also so much larger than me, this place renewed me faith in others. Sharing this experience with other volunteers, who exercised extreme patience with me, only made this experience all the more incredible.

Reaching Machu Picchu before the sunlight had a chance to highlight the mountainous ruins allowed me to see the calm before the awe. When the sun set on the ruins, its almost as if the ethereal haze that exists all over Peru was at a climax, that the glimpses I caught in Urubamba, Cusco, and Puno were all just insights into the most remarkable setting, Machu Picchu. This place, this moment, these people were all somehow what most people consider impossible: they were perfect.

Waynapicchu, the most physically trying thing I've engaged so far, was the most reflective and informative experience. While making my way up and down this steep mountain I learned about my insecurities and how they often manifest to affect my performance. I realized that this journey put me in my most vulnerable state but also I felt a newfound redemption when I made it. In retrospect this experience taught me a lot about a sphere of my life, physical activity; I spent too much time content in not being inclined. Now the power, the advantage, the superiority I saw in the eyes of the people who started with me and made it before me fuels me, to show myself that no domain is beyond my grasp. It wasn’t the actual people who made it but how they symbolized people who assumed the held elevated status because of some advantage they held. More importantly the power of knowing I'm commanding and controlling another aspect of my life only further makes me urn for better physical condition.

Emotional Aftermath

I spent a lifetime trying to figure out what made me unique, respected. In this experience I have met incredible people in which rapid forming relationships have been forged. Their appreciation, their enjoyment of who I am allows me to better understand what it is I offer: careful perception. Finding some of my identity in this character trait, I become increasingly critical of my social predisposition. While this quality may show careful and analytical thinking it lacks an attribute that makes me desirable as a socialite. The more I ponder about this aspect of myself the more I wondered if I contributed to a dynamic, or was I just valued as a source of information. It made me realize another desire I had, one not so physically tangible, rather than holding knowledge I would equally like to be seen as an enjoyable entity. The more acquaintances I be-friend the more I wonder if I am loosing myself, talking more than I'm observing, lending myself to a quality that in fact is counterproductive to this trait that makes me Matthew.

I realized in wanting to change my ticket departing Peru that I in fact lost a great deal of what makes me proud to be me, my independence. Instead of wallowing in pity I’ve seriously contemplated remaining for the full length of time and rediscovering what I feel like I’ve lost here. I realize expecting helps from the people close to me, although common, is just not organic to my character. While my intentions and thoughts behind departing early may be reasonable, reasoning doesn’t seem to be enough this time. I feel like the remainder of my time will be the most thought-provoking but also the most necessary. The hardest part is loosing a piece of my professional rapport in the indecisiveness behind changing my dates to remain in Peru. So while I’m seeking for answers and hoping to find the part of me I feel like I’m losing I will be committed to everything around me, Peru. These feelings of abandonment I associate with a weakness because I came here alone, knowing my loved ones had great apprehension about this experience and should expect to feel no closure or aide from those.

Reflecting one day at a time, your emotional nomad

Matthew 

Best-Friend

I think about time, and all the forms it takes: days, weeks, months, and years. As I look back on my years there’s one thing constant, one thing I am growing more appreciative of, my family. Yesterday is my best friends, and more importantly my sister’s, birthday and when I think of our history, our love, I feel empowered with a better sense of my own identity. So much of myself I find in her image, her path, her experiences. My choice in Florida State University, my use of writing as an outlet of expression, and even the positivity that I speak into my life are all things I’ve coined from her in some capacity. My sister never just took me as a younger brother, instead she saw me as her competent, as her equal, which helped mold much of who I am today.

In Peru, while I connect with other volunteers, share experiences, and make some life-long friends, I am increasingly appreciative of the special bond I share with my sister. While I think more about this place, and reflect on how life is so much bigger than what I’m doing at any given moment, I realize that my sense of journey is forged partially through my family dynamics. While in Peru, where everyday seems like a new Journey I can still employ my sisters wisdom. Like that voice in your head that sounds like you I have an assistant, a secondary voice that guides me reminding me of who I am, and what I really want. 

Two very pertinent lessons learned from my role model, my sister, stick out to me. First lesson is remaining calm when dealing with the unforeseen, you never know the challenges you may face, this past week for me it wasn’t a battle with being sick but a spider bite. Having a slight allergy to insect bites made me kind of wonder if I’d die, but that’s where the second lesson helps, never give up faith regardless of your struggle. My sister never lets any obstacle shut her down or strip her of the person she has spent so much time becoming, although we are all hindered in some capacity by the challenges we face. Rene has taught me to be resilient, humble, and most notably conscious. When I look at her celebrating 26 years of life, and think of myself only at 20 I am overwhelmed with happiness at the prospects of my growth, my journey, and the growth that is sure to come in our sibling bond.

Much appreciation for my best friend, Nay

Love

Cheeks

To my Sweetest Sweet

Every time I find myself resting in a new place, I think of how perfectly I rest with you by my side. Sleeping on a bus, although first-class, couldn’t compare to the rest you’ve allowed me to grow accustom to. One thing that was constant is I awoke with the same to goals as any other day: to explore Peru and to hear your voice. This past weekend on my trip to Puno, the excursion I’ve anticipated most, instead of willing myself to focus on exploration, I was reminded of you more. My mom told me the distance would bring us closer together, but my how fond I am of you is constantly growing, regardless of distance. Instead I was faced with this other entity growing inside me. Like a tumor that’s benign this feeling causes no harm but has manifested inside me, as a growth beyond my control, one thing holds true its apart of me, its function only pertinent to you.

Today as I drifted across Lake Titicaca I thought of us more. I connected with this lake, somehow identifying with its vastness, its beauty. It's dry season here, and much like me departing from you this lake is missing the rain that keeps it filled of the most essential substance for a lake, water. Without the wet season and the rain that follows it, the geographic greatness that is this lake would dissipate until all the life depending on it would surely be adversely affected too. Seeing the lake functioning is this way I look to you as my rain, you pour into me a substance much like what I consist of, giving me a life-like energy that keeps me strong, and able to continue to devote myself to the ones I love and the things I love doing.

I thought the connections I made on the boat ride to the island would be enough, that I would be challenged or intrigued in a different way once arriving on this island, but the island, the most beautiful part of the island only reminded me of what I found most beautiful, you. Oddly, this island reminded me of how remote I am, not in that moment, but just from the world, my world, you.

After exploring, shopping, and eating some of the freshest Trout ever we began our decent from 540 steps. Looking down at these steps oddly reminded me of Rene, but only you and her would know why. After reaching about the 350^th step, the point where I could finally see the boat, my escape vessel, my legs began quivering in the most irrevocable way. As if my body had recalled leaving something similarly as beautiful, it was rejecting this experience as it had when I had to say goodbye to you. I began to laugh at myself, this shaking surely a result of the physical activity was so reminiscent of the emotional state you evoke out of me, filled with anxiety and nerves, our unique type of butterflies.

On the boat ride back I tried to decipher and understand why I was feeling this way, why all roads led back to you. It didn’t take me long to come to the conclusion that our bond is so strong that it permeates all my senses, my vision the most detectable. Every sight is tainted with the love I have for you, so now all things worth seeing, all things holding beauty, I associate with you.  This connection with you and the many sights Peru holds only intensify my experience. Baby, thanks for amplifying my experience in Peru without even knowing it you bring me joy 3000 miles away.

With growing love and appreciation

Your's